Diagnosis Day

You prepare yourself for D-day. You suspect it, you convince yourself that the worse case scenario is still better then most. Convince yourself that diagnosis will help. You say the word/(s) regularly to reduce shock value. You do your best to prepare but the news is coming and your still not sure if your ready. Then you hear the words "I summed up his ADOS among other things with my notes...." What seems like longest pause ever. " And well, it looks like your son did test for Autism." Crash! It's reality.

To some extent it was a huge relief but also a big let down. We heard a lot of mights, maybes and ifs but nothing concrete. More then anything, I was relieved because we finally knew what he was dealing with. Yet the mom in me, the irrational part of me, wanted to cry, wail because how could my "perfect" boy have Autism. 

You go through all the scenarios even while the doctor is spitting information at you.  I'm thinking, I just didn't take enough prenatal vitamins, I was to old, on to much bed rest, not enough rest, stress, twins, maybe the IUI drugs, etc.  Words and thoughts swirling in my head like a cyclone. What could I have done differently? I tune back in to hear "tested low to medium." That's good, right? "Yes, that's good." 

Then Doctor C. begins to discuss game plans for him. Many which we already have placed, speech therapy, occupational therapy, ABA(Autism Behavioral Analysis), school. She reassures me that he will be more then fine. That he is very bright and has come along way in only 10 months of early intervention. I remind myself that only 10 months ago he had stopped talking all together, wouldn't look at me or even let me hold him gently. I knew even then, I knew but now I know. 

To some aspect I guess a mom always knows but denial can be powerful. Even as I started him down this process, I fought my denial in search of answers and I got what I wanted, an answer. The answer is Autism. 

Of course, now I have a million new questions and a new search for answers but the most important answer I have is that my son will be okay. My son may be living with Autism but he is not Autism. He is perfection, beauty, brilliance, lively, happy, unique and a loved little boy.

Thanks for following and have a blessed day.

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