 |
| WHACK!! Good Morning!? |
He could of walked over, gently touched me and said “Can I watch tv Mama?” He could of just stood there staring at me like his sister does. Creepy, I know but I always wake up a bit startled so it clearly works. So with those options, why on earth did he think it would be a good idea to wack me with the remote and then ask me to watch tv?!
It is this behavior that leaves his father and I wondering will he ever grow out of this impulsivity and poor behavior or will I have to sleep with one eye open the rest of my life? It is startling how rough he can get with us, especially with me. We could be having fun and then suddenly something or someone will set him off and out of no where he punches or slams into you.
Just the day before I took him to the store and from the start he was being difficult. In an effort to control I wanted to place him in the cart. I get things done faster and he can’t run away. He screams so loud an old man corrected him. I remind him of the rules and tell him we could leave now if he behaves like that. So he’s good the rest of the time. Listens and stays put.
Then came check out time. He wanted to play with the belt at check out. Immediately I see he has created this story line with the belt and an item that we still have yet to ring up. He tells me the Keifer shake was his boat, the belt was the water and I couldn’t take it. I respond to him that he has to let it go so that the lady may do her job and mama can pay. This set him off. As I am handing the item to the cashier, he punches me in the face. Bad boyfriend style, right on the cheek and as I felt the fire come to my face, then he pulled my hair. The cashier gasps, the lady behind me tusk, tusks me and I just hold his hands off as I try to check out. Now he is screaming as loud as he can. It was embarrassing and frustrating. I felt so judged and even helpless as a parent. I can’t control him, nor does he want to be controlled.
For the past two years, every day presents a challenges. There are those days that feel like a remote to the head. It is physically exhausting, can be emotionally draining and often I’m the one walking away hurt. I withdraw when he gets like this. I don’t want to risk subjecting someone else to his outbursts. I know not taking him to places is a bad thing but it out ways my other options... most days.
Loving him is never a question. I will always love him, fight for him and never give up on him. Some days it is hard to feel like a good mom and do right by him. He, like my other two kids has a piece of my heart. I don’t often cry but for my kids, I will. I worry often about how they will get treated or how others treat them. Especially the boys because they’re so unique.
So the day that I’m feeing like I’m writing a roller coaster or when that day turns into a week or month, I just breathe, and then I remember to breathe again. Someone will remind me I am a good mom. One of my kids will say something like “oh mama, I’m sorry you’re having a rough day. We love you.” Despite the melt downs, whining and fighting, I’m reminded that they are impresionable little beings depending on me to show them how to become good human beings. That this is a moment in time that can be a learning moment for all. That they are smart and capable of so much. That all of this is worth it if he learns just a little bit more then the day before. Each daily struggle gets him one step closer to the man I pray he will one day be.
So we breathe again, all of us to find our calm. We go silent for that moment and we begin anew .
We are blessed for sure.
With love and dedication, anything is possible!
