Bubbles.

Just the other day I was thinking the back when I went in to get my son initially evaluated for disabilities. I remember walking into this brick government building that had the smell of stale air trapped in it. An older gentleman walked us back to a room where I was to answer several questions about my sons behavior, development, those kinds of things.

He was in a little corner playing with some toys and I was answering the man's questions. Something suddenly startled easy, something made him get up in a burst and start running around the table that we were at. As soon as I went to go grab him rather just before, he banged his head on the corner of the table. So hard I cringed as I felt his pain. But he, he did not. He wanted to continue running around the room as if nothing happened and it broke my heart. Most parents would want their child not to get hurt and it is true that I didn't want him to get hurt but I didn't want him to feel at that moment. I would've given anything for him to feel what just happened to him. 

The man doing the evaluation, looked at me and asked "do things like this happen often?"I put my head down and said yes. After bringing me some ice for his head, he said to me that there was one more test he wanted to do, that I could be in the room but I was to not encourage or participate with my child. But if I found it difficult I could sit on my hands if the child came to me. I was to not speak speak for him or engage with him during this time. I agreed and we started. We then walked over to a smaller room one that reminded me of the ones you see in the movies where the insane person is capped and there's just a small window to peek on them. We went in I sat down in the chair in the corner and immediately sat on my hands knowing that it would be difficult for me not to want to hold my son when he came to me. At this time, I was the only person he saw it but rarely wanted me to touch him. 

Screener began to try to engage my son and play but he would not. The man pulled out some bubbles begin to blow them. Nothing In between blowing he would tell me "children love bubbles. They can't help themselves, it automatically brings joy out in them." He blew more bubbles. My son did not look at the bubbles, did not try to pop the bubbles, kept on as if they weren't even there. Afterwords the screener run is back to the original room where E had hurt his head. It was there that he told me that my son likely had autism. It was there that I felt my heart grieve. Ignorantly, I felt nothing but pain and loss of a dream for him. As a mother when you're pregnant you think of all the possibilities this child will have. Of what they will look like when they grow older, how they will be or who they will become. You never expect or plan for things to go wrong or be different. At that point all I knew or felt was that I had to prepare for a life with a child who would be different. The man looked at me before he left and he put his hand on my shoulder and told me "my son has autism. I have never heard his voice. He lives in a small apartment and has a small job. He a health aide that checks on him regularly as do I but he's independent.This is not the end for your sons future, do not let it be." if he only knew how much of a gift that statement was to me. 

Having gone through many of the early struggles of acceptance, I began fighting for all that I could do for him so that he could reach every bit of his potential, if not more. Doing this has been worth it. Today, E is outside playing with his brother and sister. Actually engaged in play with them. I am reminded of this day and I wanted to share it with you. Here we were blowing bubbles and I was able  to watch him run in his sisters rain boots and play with his siblings, chasing after bubbles. Popping them and smiling with joy. It filled my heart and reminded me how far we have come. 

The pre-screening was hard. Probably even harder than the day we actually got his clinical diagnosis. The positive is that it prepared me and taught me that I need to fight for my son. That 10 minutes of wallowing was enough. That from the moment he was diagnosed, I have done nothing but what I thought was best for him. And if all he ever did was chase bubbles for the rest of his life, I'd still know that he traveled leaps and bounds to get here.

Once I was told I would never have children, now I have three. Today, it's bubbles, tomorrow...the moon!

We are blessed for sure.

With love and dedication anything is possible!

News Story - Airlines grounds crew

I wanted to share this news story about a family who was traveling and denied travel arrangements because of what seemed like discrimination or just pure ignorance on the part of the airline crew members. Something as easy as switching a seat for a special needs person could not be accommodated for whatever reason is disheartening. It still amazes me how people are still so ignorant and how call ace they can be. 

Read the story and see what you think. I for one, was taken back. 

https://apple.news/AKynpk2p4T8yDrQr_b50Cwg

Back to School already?!

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The start of the morning was the same as it has been all summer, kids crawling into our bed, wanting extra cuddles and trying to get a bit more sleep. My daughter and my oldest boy starting looking for a way around going to school. As if there was a way out of it. With all the energy I could muster at 5:45 am I said “OH NO! It’s first day of school and we are not starting the year off wrong. Happy faces and lets get going.” My youngest son however, ignored the siren alarms of his clocks. When I walked in, he went and turned off his light and said “It’s too early and I too tired. I going back to sleep.” Eventually, I was able to evict him from his room and get the day started.

Even with a daily chart that lists EVERYTHING he is supposed to do, N just couldn’t get going or didn’t want to. He wanted to have a debate on what he wanted to now wear and a discussion on how the girls were going to love him this year. LOL! To which my response was “Ummm, NO!” And I moved him along to the bathroom to complete his am routine. He cracks me up. We took our first day of school pictures.  I couldn’t fit it in but in addition to his wanting to be a veterinarian, he wants to be a paleontologist. I reminded him that school was the way to get there. After breakfast, he danced and hopped in the car to make a start for a brand new year but not until he blew me a kiss and said “Make good changes in the world.” Oh my heart loves him so.

My daughter, who is almost always the first to be dressed was ready to go and looked dazzling this am. There was a bit of whinnying but she slowly started to show her joy about the start of the school year. She looked so cute,  wearing her frilly skirt and laced top. Ready to take on the school and show them what she’s got. She couldn’t be happier.  I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she said to no surprise “Artist and MARINE” That last part was a surprise but I think her father coached her into saying it, so I didn’t add it to the board. We had breakfast, did our morning group dance and off we went for drop off. I love dancing with them all in the morning but she looked so happy it was contagious.

Dad would take care of drop off for my daughter and oldest son, while I got E ready for his drop off. He didn’t want to eat breakfast so that would be a meal he would have in the car. He happily allowed me to take a picture and insisted on how to take the group shot. He is an awesome little boy. Then he fought a bit about what sneakers he would wear but he surrendered once we told him that the old sneakers were dirty. We danced to his favorite song from Bon Jovi “You Give Love a Bad Name” and off we went.

On the way there, E asked me “Mama, Am i going to Mr. M?” I assured him he was not going back to that old school and would never see Mr. M again. I could sense his fear as we drove to school. He asked again “Mama, Am i going to my old school?” I again assured him that he was going with the “Nice teacher, Mrs. Lewis” As we approached the road to his school, he said “I think I remember this school” and I just did my best to keep reassuring him that he was going to be okay. That I would NEVER let him go back to that school. We drove up to the drop off and he refused to get out even with me at the door.  As the teacher walked over, I told the teacher that he needed to see her and what he was experiencing. When he saw her, he allowed the door to stay unlocked, I opened the door and he let out a sigh of relief and said “High five Mrs. Lewis?” She gave him that high five and told him he would be okay. With all the things he forgets, this wasn’t an experience easily forgotten. I wanted to cry. Even as I write this I want to cry. What he must have suffered to still fear that place and that man. And when think I played a part in it, it just tears at me. He put his book bag on, walked over to give me a kiss and said “Bye Mama” smiled his big smile and disappeared behind the door. My sweet ‘possum.

My daughter had asked me if I was going to be happy with them going back to school and though I joke with them, I told her “Mama likes when you go to school because I know you are learning and able to play with friends but Mama will also miss you because I love having you near too.”  It isn’t easy leaving them in the hands of others. Especially after the year E had last school year. He isn’t the only one that has to learn to trust again. I just keep praying for a better outcome while vigantly doing my best to keep them all safe.

Here is to hoping and praying that they have a safe and happy school year.

We are blessed for sure.

With love and dedication anything is possible!

Check out day

  

It was our last day and we planned to make the best of it. The night before we told the kids the plan. As soon as we woke up we were to get in our beach where and head out to the beach for one hour followed by the pool for another hour. This would give us enough time to go back to room, wash up and clear out. Plan ago. We were up early, as usual, so we headed out to the beach as planned with the kids and sand buckets. 

Things were going well. The beach was fairly empty still and the kids were having great fun. E had seemed to learn to stay closer to the shore line after a wave toppled him over yesterday. He mostly played with the sand trying to build a mote. N was flopping around in the water still looking for shells, lava rocks and bits or coral. My daughter was in her glory playing with two little babies digging in the sand. Everything was calm and all appeared to be happy.

Then, without warning E took off down the beach. I called for him to turn back but he didn’t listen. He just kept running following the shore line, so at this point I now had to become an Olympic sprinter and start after him. Gosh, it is terribly difficult running in sand and my feet are torn up from all the broken seashells I stepped on during the chase. Finally, I grab him. Thankfully, he gets to close to the water and a wave hits him and slows him down. After I catch my breath, while still holding him, I ask him “Why did you run away?” He just looked at me and laughed “I was going on an adventure.” I began to tell him about the dangers of running into the ocean alone. That he doesn’t know how to swim and if something happened maybe we wouldn’t be able to help him. I asked him “what happens if you go in the water and you can’t swim? He replied “I would drown.”  So he gets it but why he doesn’t follow the rules is beyond me. My husband says he is fearless and it’s true but he is also wreck-less. Then again, he is only 6. We left the beach after this. I was done.

As I played in the pool with the kids, I thought about what could have set him off on his run. He doesn’t like the sand feeling, the birds were flying over, the crowd was starting to grow and there were more voices near by, the crashing of the waves, the wind was blowing and his sister was screeching.  That couldn’t of been it because he said he was “going on an adventure.” He may possibly have an ear infection again, those often make him unsettled. Or maybe he just felt like running. Though he is improving, E’s explications are never solid, so I may never know.

I see parents lounging back on beach chairs and their kids playing nice on the beach. Staying close or

Sprinting position

constantly checking in while their parents read or close their eyes. Their is a trust their and a level of comfort we do not have with our kids. I was able to do it with N and EM more this trip but E just kept me up on guard. Seeing this often makes me question the type of parent I am. Maybe I’m not as good as those parents. That I’m not doing something right. Then I brush away those negative thoughts and move on. I watched as he played in the sand. He was content but always looked like he was prepared to sprint off at any given moment. Which he did end up doing. It must be nice to sit back like that, enjoy the sounds of the beach and just be in a relaxed state. Those parents don’t realize how lucky they are to have those moments come easy. I long for that day. I believe it will come but with a great deal of hard work on our end. Well worth it if we can get him their.

There were a few outbursts in the car and likely from being locked down for so long. Despite some of the stresses of the trip, overall, we had a great trip. The kids were happy and we were happy to give them this experience. The more we expose them to things, the better their chances are of having a full and happy life that prepares them for the real world because the real world is rough.

We are blessed for sure.

With love and dedication anything is possible!

A full day, play by play

This morning started off with great calm. First E woke up but still wanted to cuddle which was fine with me as it bought me a few more minutes of sleep. Much needed rest since I stayed up most of the night worried he would wake up and "explore" his way out of the room.

We headed out to eat which was surprisingly not a disaster. I am not sure if the coffee drop I gave him helped him relax and enjoy or if it was still early and we sat far back in the restaurant where it was less noisy. Either way, he sat ate some of his meal without raising a fuss. N just kept reading so we had to constantly remind him to eat. Only towards the end when we all were wrapping up did E start to get a bit difficult. Fortunately, it was just as we were getting ready to leave so that saved us from public scrutiny.

After breakfast, we went to the beach, which was nice for the kids. I am not sure I handle the beach well at all. Actually, I am positive I didn’t but with good reason, I think. My husband and I disagree here. I feel it is important to teach basic rules first and then we can explore extending those rules. For instance, I believe it is important that E be aware of the dangers that the beach presents and the importance of NEVER going into the water past his ankles because he can’t swim and can easily be slept away. Also, if he understands these rules as Gods word, then my hope is that if he ever finds himself alone near a body of water, he will not enter it with out his grownup. On the other hand my husband believes that I should let him have fun as he inches his way past the acceptable zone just because he is present and allows E to set the limits. If I wasn’t there, I am sure he would have been further out. I should note that my husband can barely swim, so having him on swim guard is a bit unnerving.  An adventurer himself, he forgets about the dangers or the importance of rules and structure for a child like E. Either way I was stressed. N kept asking me if I was OK which made me feel even worse. I wanted to have fun with them, it was just hard.

Then they were supposedly going to the playground but E hoodwinked my husband and took his chance and ran (Dad gives E way to much space between them), E proceeded to run up a twenty foot staircase to go down a slide I forbid him from doing. Then when I tell them both that I saw what happened, my husband tells E, “I told you that we would get in trouble.” That didn’t seem very supportive but I guess someone had to be the bad guy. My husband does try and I know he is just trying to be the best dad he knows how to be. I just wish he would really hear me when I express my worries and concerns in situations like this.  I’m sure he has a few choice complaints about me as well. In any case, I tried to push through though under my breathe I did say a few choice words to my husband, who I think desperately wishes I was a bit easier to deal with too.

After a short break in the hotel room for lunch, the kids wanted some TCBY. We wanted to see them enjoying themselves and needed to get out of the room so we went. All three were wonderful. They picked their flavors and sat , most of the time. My daughter was wiggly but ate with out being told. E was overjoyed but became fixated on where the man went that served the ice cream. At this point, he started searching the TCBY for him. Wanting to go behind the counter.  So that was small, but we easily redirected him and were able to get out with no issues.

Ripleys - E was in no mood for pictures

Then against MY better judgment, we went to Ripley's Believe it or Not. Honestly, I was going to divide the kids up at this point but E wanted to go. I hated the idea of leaving him out in the first place, so I said we would try it. Worst thing is we would have to leave. Actually, the worst thing would be us tossed out for E breaking something but I was hopeful he wouldn’t.

Things started off wrong right from the start. E wants space. He rarely likes to hold hands. Often I am tugging him back or running after him. He refuses to where a harness so the moment I tugged him and reminded him to stay close or to stop trying to put things in his mouth, he screamed as if Lucifer himself had shown up. I gave him some space while cornering him off waiting for calm and speaking to him with a gentle voice, reassuring him that we were going to go in. Once in, I tried not to restrain him to much but stay close. Dad did his job in monitoring E while I tended to the other kids. E always looked for me when he wanted me to see something but I don’t think he would have called for me if he was lost in the crowd. He was like a pinball, bouncing from one exhibit to the next. The stress was elevating for all of us and I could see he was excited. Excitement often leads to unpredictable behaviors. We are still working on expressing excitement.

Ripley's was over and I was relieved. As we walked back down the stairs, it led us to....an

Of course it’s an alien game

ARCADE!! Oh the horror. Forget the spooky Oddities they had, this felt like a nightmare. Immediately, the chase was on. It was “Oh, can I do this one?” as he ran from us to do it. My loving husband, who wants to see his kids happy said yes before I had a chance to reply to the request. I could have done without the running around but the kids did OK for a bit.  My daughter was a champion player  on the nerf game and even beat her big brother a few times. It wasn’t until the money ran out that E had a full on meltdown. First sitting on the floor staking his claim to the game he didn’t get to play. Here it became a challenge for me. Usually, I try to remain calm as strangers with their judging eyes glare at us but this is often anxiety inducing. I get down to his eye level but he turns from me. Pro move. Then I touch his arm and he screams as if I was trying to abduct him. He starts hitting and tried to bite me. Now I’m having hot flashes and tell him, “I’m sorry E but we are done. I have no more money to spend here. Enough!”

He walks out only to sit outside and protest a bit more. I tell him that “we can go home now if he likes or we can do one more day of vacation. those were his options. that he needed to help us help him calm down.” He sat frustrated but eventually surrendered, gave me a kiss and held my hand down the steps. Then told me “I don’t want you, I want daddy”, i replied, “If you want daddy right now, that is okay with me.” And he walked over to his dad, held hands and got in the car easy. We went back to the hotel where he soon after fell asleep next to his daddy. It was a long day for him.

As the twins slept, I took the time to go shell hunting alone with N. It was so great to be out on the beach with the calming sound of the ocean,  now able to enjoy my oldest son in his element, exploring nature. We talked for two hours and I even let him have chocolate cake at 9 pm. Wild fun! Haha!

We hit a few rough batches today but over all, it was a good day.

We are blessed for sure. With love and dedication anything is possible!

Ask and you shall receive

Remember how a couple of posts back I was joking about needing to get away. Well, ask and you shall receive. My husband surprised me with an impromptu vacation. It’s really more like a trip because of the time constraints and because a vacation for me would be without the kids. 

Traveling with the kids is rough. First they never stop asking the famous “Are we there yet?” They NEVER go to the bathroom at the same time, and one wants the radio on while the other wants it off. It’s too cold, It’s too hot. I think you get it. My daughter loves to sing in a high pitch operatic voice that reminds me of the movie where Meryl Streep portrays a woman described as the worst opera singer of all time. Now, don’t get me wrong, when my daughter sings in her normal sweet voice, she sounds like an angel. Lately, I think she has been exploring pitch and she is way high, to the point of piercing. As I write this, she is testing out her sounds. Fun! Do we discourage this? No. I want her to sing even if she sometimes hits a sour note or two. It’s my reminder that she is happy and that my ears are functioning. 

Finally, we made it to Myrtle Beach but still had another 30 minutes to get our hotel. So we took the kids to to a great little park called Savannah’s Playground to burn off some energy. It had your typical playground equipment but other cool stuff. Most importantly it had a six foot fence around it. It’s probably one of the first parks I ever felt comfortable going to. It had some really cool slides and a zip line for the kids. The kids loved it. E was in his element. The park is known as a great sensory park for special needs kids but is open for all. And then...

We went to the hotel where E went nuts. The kids were already excited about being at the beach and that the hotel had its own water park. E was over-the-top. His enthusiasm could not be contained. He was opening and slamming draws and cabinet doors. Screaming with joy because the hotel room had it’s own spoons and toaster. So as we changed clothes for the water park, I began to realize that this could potentially go south fast but I wanted to be optimistic and have fun. My goal was to be calm mom and not get anxious. We were fine up until we walked on to the water park grounds. The minute he saw the giant slide his eyes opened wide as did mine but for very different reasons. He was thinking that thing is going to be amazing. My thoughts were more along the lines of this 20 foot slide is going to be the cause of my aneurysm. I chased up the later with him and tried to seem excited. When we reached the top I was still hopeful that the man would tell us your too short. Took the measurements and I wasn’t so lucky. E sits on the slide and pushes himself. Sitting up instead of laying flat on his back, he takes the first curve and nearly flips out of the tube. Then he is flipped backwards and I saw a glimmer of panic in his eye but he hits another turn, where he flips again and it turns him around, then splash. He loves it! Meanwhile I am a horrible anxious mess thinking that I could have lost him on that first curve. He didn’t care, he wanted to do it again.

So needless to say I am extremely stressed out at this point. I figure if we could just get him in the pool and keep him there, I might be able to salvage this trip. N keeps swimming over to me to check on me because he “Don’t like how your face looks right now Mama. I’m worried for you.” I try to reassure him, but I know he is right. Because what I was feeling was straight anxiety over lack of control. Truthfully, it was my lack of control over E. I could see the park was having its affects on him. When my husband held his hand to get his attention and remind him of the rules. His legs looked like they want to leave his body and walk away with out him. He was on sensory overload. I knew I needed to get him in a quiet place but he was also trying to have his best version of fun. It just involved him running in and out of pool or at some points, jumping into shallow pools including a jacuzzi. I was so done. I wanted to scream DONE and leave. Not an option, I still had the other two who were having fun. So I stuck with it with the hopes that eventually he would even out and he did.

We finally got to a place where we were all in the same place and wanted to stay there. From there I started to feel my chest relax and i was able to take control of my breathes again. Though the start was challenging, it ended on a high note. Not to say that anxiety isn't the captain of my ship, it is still in control. While he sleeps all I can think about is how to keep him from the balcony or oven, I might then be able to go to sleep.

Still a day and a half to go, so lets see what tomorrow brings. For now, we are all curled up, and i’m Doing my best to appreciate the good parts of the day.

We are blessed for sure.

With love and dedication anything is possible!

Second guessing myself

You ever have an experience where your child has nearly convinced you that you are loosing your mind. Well recently, that is exactly what my oldest son did to me.

The kids have been going to camp and it involves a great deal of running around because they all go to different camps specific to their likes or needs. This specific week was one where everyone had camp exactly at the same time. Two were attending the same camp but on separate parts of the campus and the other was cross town but all had to be there by 9 am. Needless to say I was dragging the kids along at an extreme pace.

Fortunately, I was able to drop of my youngest boy, E, to his camp a few minutes early which allowed me to get to the other camp just in time for it to start. Then I would rush to pick the older kids up so that I can get my youngest from camp and head back home.

How is it that when I arrive to pick up my oldest boy, N, he is barefoot. I think to myself, okay that is  gross but whatever,  I proceed to tell him to get his shoes on and snap my fingers at him. He tells me “I don’t have shoes.” Then we start this back and forth, where I tell him he had shoes and he insist that he didn’t. I ask one of the adults where his shoes are and she tells me “He says he came with no shoes.” You ever have that feeling where all you can do is cringe at the things your children say out in public?

You could only imagine how embarrassed I was to hear that my child is telling people that I, his mother, sent him to camp with no shoes. NO SHOES! Telling EVERYONE that asked him that his mom sent him with no shoes. Now not only am I now mortified that he is making me look like the insane mother of the year but I am also starting to question whether or not I actually did forget to check to see if he had shoes on. I mean it wouldn’t be the first time we leave the house and have to turn around because someone forgot to put on shoes or PANTS! Happens way to often.

Either way, I get into a continued back and forth that he came to school with slip on shoes and they have to be here somewhere. We all begin the search while N is still insisting that he didn’t have shoes on today. Finally, we retrieve the shoes and he then isn’t convinced they are his until he tries them on. Because finding them and seeing them isn’t enough to convince him yet, he says he has to “Try them on and see if they are his.” UGH! I don’t know who I wanted to slap more, him for making me look and feel bad or myself for even allowing him to get into my head and make me second guess myself. I knew I sent that boy to camp with shoes. In the end, he tries them on as if he was Cinderella and says “Oh yeah, I guess I did have shoes on today.” Really, you don’t say.

Thankfully the camp counselor was really nice about it and I walked away slightly reassured that she didn’t think I was the worst mom ever.

Click link for a video recap of our experience.Where are the shoes


In the end, I learned something. Laugh. At one moment I felt like I was about to whack him upside his head but then I just started laughing. I mean he can’t help it, he sometimes is just forgetful and we have all had those moments. Right? Lord knows, I have lost my glasses plenty of times and they were sitting on my face. So I just had to laugh and we continued to laugh about it long after...together.

We are blessed for sure.

With love and dedication anything is possible!

Mom needs a vacation

I know I am not alone when I tell you all that I am ready for the kids to go back to school. I have been doing more running around over the summer then the school year. Juggling from taking care of my kids to caring for my parents. I’m spent and ready for my vacation to start...the school year.

Fond memories of Mr. Softee

My kids seem to think that they deserve all these fun camps. My son told me in his whinniest voice, “I worked hard all school year and this is my reward.” I shared with him that when I was a kid, my reward for doing well in school was chasing after a Mr. Softee truck in 100 degree weather, buying a oh so cooling Ice Cream cone or a frozen rocket pop and enjoying it as it melted in my hand. I never attended one single camp as a kid and I turned out just fine. However, where we live, kids don’t play much outside over the summer, they all seem to go to camp. So despite my not wanting to join in with “the Jones’” I send my kids to camp.

Now exhausted and drained from all the running around, the playing kitchen, ghost mom and explaining things over and over again, I am reminded of a commercial from when I was a kid. This may show my age but do any of you remember this commercial... “Calgon, Take Me Away” It was a popular commercial in the late 70’s, early 80’s.

I can relate to the first ten seconds of this video as many parents can. Often I feel like I am in charge of everything and feel increasingly overwhelmed especially because my kids require a great deal of juggling during the school year. The summer is like a three ring circus. 

As a kid, I laughed at this silly commercial. I couldn’t relate at all and thought it was ridiculous that she thought a bath could fix her problems. That thought still holds true. However, these day, I do relate to the sense of feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and how a calming bath could potentially help ease some of the stress. Watching it now, I still laugh because I’m like what was she complaining about?  She gets to take a long bath in that giant tub. I don’t even have time to fill my small tub before some little person comes knocking on the door or jumps in for themselves. 

As I write this, my youngest son is asking me to repair his toy hedgehog “He needs surgery!” And my daughter, is requesting that I change her splint for her broken finger. Yeah did I mention that she broke her finger over the summer on the exact same day she broke her collarbone last year. Yea! So “Calgon, take me away” but like really away, far away....please!!!

Clearly, I joke about it all because thats the only way to survive it most days. Laughing at myself is my coping skill. How do you manage when your kids are driving you a bit bonkers or to the end of your rope?  

Hope you all are fairing well this summer and looking forward to a pleasant start to a new school year, I know I am. 

We are blessed for sure.

With love and dedication anything is possible!