So last night I was listening in to a conversation my eldest son and daughter were having about their brother. They were debating on why E likes to win so much and why we should or shouldn’t let him win all the time. Here’s just a bit of how it went.
N: I don’t think E has to win all the time because I like to win too. I don’t have to let him win.
EMC: N, you have to understand that E has Autism and he doesn’t understand yet how to control himself. His Autism makes it hard for him. He likes to win and gets angry if you don’t let him. He likes to play tricks. That’s his way of having fun. That’s why when he races he says “look behind you there’s a monster.” He just wants to play his way.
N: Well I don’t see why we have to play his way, I like to win. I don’t have to let him.
EMC: It is okay to lose N. That’s how you learn to try harder.
N: Then why don’t we let him lose? ANd why do you cry when you lose.
EMC: No one likes to lose. That’s why I get sad N. But when E loses he gets angry and hits because he has (Emphasis on) AUTISM and he has to learn. He doesn’t understand.
The way my daughter expressed herself was amazing and her mannerisms were classic “New Yorker” just like her mom. In any case, the conversation started to go in a loop both claiming they are right in their argument. Hearing how it was going both valid arguments, my husband and I intervened attempting to assist them both come to so resolution so they can get to bed.
Technically, we can’t always win and it isn’t fair to always LET the other person win. So N was right about that. There is a great lesson to be learned when you lose. It can be the motivating force for you to try harder. Something we tell our kids all the time. However, it is kind to let the other person think they have won in an effort to prevent or appease that person and not cause distress on them. Especially, when that person is still learning how to play socially.
Lord knows, we had stopped our game nights because E just blows up or can’t wait his turn being so impulsive. He needs to be in control. I’m thinking it is now time to start them back and walk him through the process, social expectations, win or lose. While also teaching the other kids that it is better to practice patience and understanding then to feel as though you have surrendered yourself up to someone else’s wants or wishes. Kindness is the most important lesson for ALL three to take away from this conversation and future play.
So this brought up the question, is it okay for my daughter to let her brother win for the benefit of keeping him happy? She thinks she is helping him learn how to play. Or is my son right, that it is better to play fair, win or lose? Share your thoughts with me on how you handle a young child who is just learning to play and accepting losses.
We are blessed for sure!
With love and dedication anything is possible!
