Not Out of the Woods Yet

So where I last left off wasn’t easy and it hasn’t been easy getting back to “Normal” either. The last few years have been difficult for our family. From my fathers initial diagnosis, to details of abuse towards my son, however for legal reasons, I have been unable to tell you it all.

Having said that, I do want you to know that we have been struggling to get back to a place that seems familiar to us. In the midst of the pandemic, I lost my father to cancer. That was devastating and I personally am just trying to dig myself out of the grief I have been feeling. I became disconnected from friends and family because everything, every memory, every thought of him not being here brakes me. I am trying to find my way out of the pain from his loss, so forgive me for not keeping up with my posts. 

Prior to my fathers death, I had been dealing with a case of abuse against my son, Ethan. I will share more details about what occurred once that situation has been resolved.

What I can tell you is that after the assault, it took forever to get close to justice for my son. And it took a year to find reasonable help after being rejected by one counseling place because his trauma response was to aggressive and his Autism made it hard for the therapist to help him. The pandemic hit, and there was no help to be found. So desperate to help him, we started Behavior therapy virtually with a BCBA to try and get him back to a place where he felt safe with us and could get his behavior under control. He would go into fits of rage any time we tried to tell him to do something, approached him in a way he felt threatened when all I might have been doing was going to help brush his teeth, hug or kiss him. He had nightmares and needed me by his side endlessly. I spent a school year at his school volunteering just so he could feel safe. There was no way I could work while my son needed me. He was scared and angry all of the time. 

He feels safe with us now but he still flinches when we approach him to quickly or we raise our voices to loud. His feeling safer is thanks to his BCBA who focused more on Cognitive Behavior with him rather then your typical old ABA which used demands, blocking and restriction which only escalated his feeling or response from him trauma. Before we started with the BCBA, Ethan had been in our bed for nearly a year. With a plan in place, we slowly and gradually got him back to his room. He had gone back to bed wetting with nightmares and that is something we still struggle with. He screams at night for his father because he is too scared to leave his room to go to the bathroom some nights. Wetting the floor at the threshold of his door. My fearless child became scared of everything. Still today, I see him scared of so many things it makes me sad for him. He feels unlucky. This isn’t the first time people that were supposed to care for him hurt him. He thinks pain or death is just around the corner. The pandemic and dads death didn’t help but it did give me time to focus on his wellbeing.

So the therapy has helped him get to a place where he can now sit and have conversations with us. We finally felt like he was at a place where we could get him the trauma therapy he needed after 2 years. But we are not out of the woods yet. Now we are having difficulty finding a therapist that could help him with the focus being what happened to him. There are almost no therapist in the county or state, that are willing to deal with this sort of incident and have the knowledge on how to deal with an Autistic child his age. It frustrates me that we have worked so hard but still we find it hard to get him the exact help he needs. 

It’s horrible when you know what your child needs and you aren’t able to provide it for them. Mental health is equally as important to children, as seeing a dentist or pediatrician but isn’t as readily available where we live. It’s frustrating and disappointing. My every focus is on how we can help him as a family. 

We will not stop helping him even if I have to travel to another state to get him the help he needs. I promised my father that I would always fight for Ethan and do what’s right. This is me doing that.

We are blessed for sure!

With love and dedication anything is possible!

Finding Something to be Thankful For

Thanksgiving is meant to be a day that friends and family gather to celebrate the kick off to the holidays. Where you stuff your face with foods you don’t typically have all year and sit on the couch joking and telling stories or pass out watching a game.  I just couldn’t get into it this year. 

Instead of us all getting together, we spent it apart. Each doing our own individual thing to cope. Dad probably wouldn’t have wanted it to be that way, but dad didn’t realize how hard it would be for us, the living who remain without him. I did my best for the kids, sat watched the Thanksgiving Parade and cooked a meal for them all to make it seems festive but I did not feel festive. We still mourn. 

My kids know it isn’t the same. That this our first holiday without him would be hard.  I didn’t want to gather like as if nothing happened. I didn’t want to pretend my smile or laugh when I didn’t feel it. Losing our father was not easy. We watched him go from strong to nearly dying and suddenly doing well again. We had hope that we could buy another year.  Then COVID hit. Then he got worse again. I watched the strongest man I knew whither away, weakened by his cancer. After a two year battle, he was ready to go but we, I was not ready to let go. Can’t say I am now either. 

Yet, I am grateful to the Doctors and nurses that took care of him giving us those extra two years. I am appreciative to the Pastor that helped him find peace with himself and reconnect with his faith. That I know he left this world to the next knowing that I loved him. I looked at the chair where he would have sat, and I am put at ease knowing that he is no longer suffering though his lack of presence pains me. I am thankful that I was able to see him take his last breath and that he didn’t do so alone or in a hospital, like so many have this past year. He was surrounded by family. I am mindful that his life had value to us all and with out him we grieve because he mattered so much. 

Somehow, each day my mother finds the strength to get up each morning and start another day without him. That gives me strength. My dad built us strong and I do not see my grief as weakness though it weakens me. It is what one does when someone they love passes on. I never  use to cry, but now I cry all the time. I am a waterfall of sadness. 

So I am sorry to those I didn’t call or text today.  I’m just trying to keep one foot in front of the other, letting autopilot takeover and pray that I keep doing so. I hope that you had a great Thanksgiving, surrounded by people that matter. That they opened their hearts to you so you may do the same. 

My last conversation with my dad was ended with “Todo tiene su fin (everything has an end).” With that in mind, be grateful for the life you have and the people in it. Tell them often that you love them and that you are thankful for them because everything has it’s end and you will never know when that last I love you will be. 

We are blessed for sure!

With love and dedication anything is possible!

My Fathers Service

In the next coming days I will share how my family has been  coping with the loss of my father. 

For those who were interested in seeing how the service went for my father, see the link below. Thank you to the family at Providence Lutheran Church and Pastor Pattie Sue for a lovely service and for taking such good care of us all throughout the day.

VIDEO of SERVICE

Pedro Jimenez - Memorial Service 

I will also add the Eulogy below for those who just want to read that portion. 

Eulogy

My family and I would like to thank all of you who came today to remember my father, Pedro Jimenez. I think he would have liked to know that we all came together because he believed that family and friends should always be there for one another. 

I didn’t know exactly what I would or could tell you about my dad that you didn’t already know. If you gave him 5 minutes, he would’ve happily spoken to you about your life and his. 

My father came to the United States with no more then $30 in his pocket, most of it in useless pesos. He had big dreams to go along with his big personality. He lived life the way he wanted and no one could tell him otherwise. He was a hard worker, started working on only his second day in the United states. He went from washing dishes to eventually owning his own business. Even after retirement he still was working, always offering help wherever and whenever he could.

After some time in the US, he soon realized he had to sacrifice those dreams for the sake of his family back home in the Dominican Republic and eventually for the one he would create here. He never complained. Never sought accolades. He just worked harder. Every dream he had, he poured into others. If not for Pedro Jimenez, who would we be today? 

Dad never believed in taking handouts but was always willing to give one. He believed in helping family and that family should always be there to support one another. Even when he was hurt by some of those he helped, he had the ability to look past that pain or disappointment. His answer “uno no deja de ser familia,” you don’t stop being family. 

Dads thoughts on family extended out to others. He’d help the unemployable, people with addiction by giving them jobs and providing them meals. He believed in second chances. 

For me, he was everything, dad, hero and friend. As a child, I worshipped him, as a teen I didn’t want much to do with him, as a young adult, I learned to see him for who he was, a man with flaws like any other human. My biggest blessing, and I think my siblings would agree, that we had the opportunity to know our father best as adults. If you were fortunate enough to speak with him, he would tell you grand stories or ask you questions to understand you and your life better. A philosopher at heart, he never said no to a debate, whether it was about politics, religion, world facts in history or space exploration. He almost always had a joke to share or wisdom to spare. Yet, what stands out most to me was how much more loving he became as a grandfather. I got to see him do things with his grandkids, that I couldn’t imagine for myself as a child.

Dad was able to say I love you with ease and never left anyone feeling unloved. I was lucky, I could have a knock out fight about politics with my dad one minute, see him smile at me, laugh about it and still walk away knowing that I was loved. We all were.  

He loved all his grandkids like crazy. Always, spoke of his children with pride to others. And I was able to witness the depth of his love for my mother and his heartbreak to have to leave her.

I recall hearing someone speak about the importance to look for the grace, the beauty and the miracle in life and in death. I believe my father did that the best way he could. He read books from Billy Graham to the Dali Lama seeking wisdom and spirituality. My father would have wanted us all to live authentically, to be grateful, to believe in a greater power and to be happy with who you are. 

Who you were was important to him. Pa always said “Take care of your name, it is the only thing that can’t be taken from you.”

I leave you with this quote from my dad shortly before he died, he said “Lisa, my life has been full of ups and downs but I have been lucky enough to meet some great people along my journey. I am better for that. Look for the people that make you better.” This was his last lesson to teach before his voice went silent. He made me better. He made us all better and he will be truly missed.

I urge you all to look for the good in people, acknowledge the ones already in your life by letting them know that you love them.  Give from your heart because Kindness always finds its way back to you. Remember that Pa tried to find good in all by getting to know them. It’s why he was loved by so many. It is why you are here today. Thank you for the love and support you have shown my father and my family. 

Pa, I love you and I will see you again one day. 

Querido Viejo

 

You were the biggest and boldest man. You lived with courage and strength. You carried so much on your back, while others gained from your sacrifices, and you never asked in return. You always held us tight, never sought accolades and cheered on others who little deserved it. You loved us all and we all knew it. This I wrote for you.

Querido Viejo

With every passing night, I saw you slipping away from us, like a rope burning through my hands, I could not hold on. I should not have wanted to hold on. The pain was too great for us both, perhaps that is why we never spoke of it. I was fighting to keep you here. Struggling to let you go. You, were my anchor, I feel as though I am now a ship a drift since you let go.

You have always been my beacon. A bright beam of light that always drew me home. Who will guide me now? Who will be that big bright compass in my life? 

I watched you fight as you were sure to prove them wrong. You fought to the end, my father, my friend. Though we were by your side, you still felt so far away. Your terms were written and like a leaf flying in the wind, I could not catch you, I could not keep you. All I could do was stand there as you drew your last breath and set you free to sail in the wind.

My bones quickly weakened, my mind flooded with grief and the earth stood motionless. Darkness began to set in. Then, like a star in the sky, shinning its brightest, lifting me, I heard your song, I felt you near. We are not the same. We will never be the same but we must go on.

In two short weeks, we let you go, but knowing all along, you did it your way.  Now I pray that when I look up to the stars, you will twinkle brighter until it is my time to be guided home to you.

Mi querido viejo, I miss you. We all do. 

New Year, Fresh Perspectives

Welcoming the New Year

Happy New Year to ALL! 2020 was a rough year. Okay, 2020 was toss it in the dumpster and burn it year. Clearly, many of us were happy to say goodbye to it with hopes for a better year. On New Years Eve night, I had this entire post written out about how far each of us has come in the past year. However,  just before it was to post at midnight, I stopped it. I didn’t think it took into account how grateful I was despite the craziness of the year, so I took it down. I didn’t want to be fake with you or negative in any way. Then it seemed like the world went a bit sideways, so it has taken me a bit to rewrite my post. What I really want to share with you are all the positives we experienced in 2020, despite all the hardship the world has endured this year. 

The challenges of virtual schooling three kids has definitely been a test of my patience and skill. I can still honestly say that I know I don't want to be a teacher anytime soon. Maybe it is because they are my own kids but I am just not that sure that it is for me. Teachers have a hard job. Add a pandemic to it and I am amazed they walk into the school building each morning knowing how little they are appreciated. Be kind to your teachers!

Over the summer, we made the decision to virtual school our kids. It was based on my health and that of my parents but also our wanting to protect them from this. What I see as the blessing of virtual school, is that I have had unlimited time to really see how my kids learn, function, socialize and think during school.

I have been able to see my kids grow and gain confidence in their work but also in themselves. I have seen them go from minimal skills to mastering them. I have seen them be kind and sadly, I have even seen them disappointed from failures or rejection. Yet even with those disappointments, we were able to have immediate discussions to help them work through it. Something I know wasn’t always happening at school. In seeing these weak points, I have been able to work with them to help make them into strengths. We may not be at mastery level but the fact that I can see and work on them is what counts. Especially those skill that school districts don’t see relevant when you have a child excelling. 

Socialization has been by far the biggest and most difficult challenge. I had to remind them how lucky we were that they weren’t an only child left with no one to hang with at home. We tried helping “N” build friendships but his inability to recall peoples names easily presents challenges. The fact that he isn’t playing games like Halo or Fortnite, didn’t make it any easier to relate. It’s really hard because he so desperately wants to connect. His awesome teacher set up a lunch hour with like minded kids that were also struggling and that has helped a great deal. He may not always remember their names but he enjoys the days he sits with them.

Since all they have are each other most day, I have been able to see my kids become friends. They aren't just siblings now, they share a stronger connection, a bond of friendship. In 2019, there was so much fighting and I was starting to assume that this was normal. Which in my house “normal’ can be tricky to gauge. Having this time has allowed me to really focus on how they speak to one another, listen to each other and play together. It isn't always perfect but I am no longer pulling them apart or screaming to get them to stop what seemed like every 10 seconds. That alone is a blessing.

Being home has helped reduce the  anxiety which once was off the charts in our house affecting one person or another. I use to always be worried about “N” and how when he went to school he would tear off his nails because he was so restricted from movement and stressed. I can’t say enough about what staying home has done for him. He really has started to mature and be his own advocate. I am glad that I get to be witness to this. He has taken to meditation and listens to his body more, allowing himself to seek out needed sensory relief and is starting to learn how to manage those internal demands. 

The twins both have really done well with virtual too. They have learned a lot. EMC has managed to learn how to be self sufficient and it has really boosted her confidence. She feels like a little teacher herself. She misses her friends but has adapted well to Zooming with her friends and always looks forward to making new ones.EEC took a few months to adapt to teachers but is doing well so long as his schedule doesn't get interrupted. He to finally starting to show us that he is more then capable of learning to read and has more then a handful of words memorized. It's huge!

Grateful that my father is a fighter and that he is still with us today. He turned 80 this past November and though COVID-19 has done it's best to keep us apart, we were able to wish him a happy birthday (at a social distance) and watch him blow out his candles.  He is our everything and we were so happy to do it. To have spent that time with him regardless of how we did or didn't get to do it. Find a way to safely show your loved ones you care. It's all that matters. All our time is borrowed on this planet, spend it cautiously and wisely but do not squander it away.

I pray that this illness gets under control and that people can really start seeing others through compassionate eyes, as fellow inhabitants, peers on this wonderful planet. Let’s take care of one another. After all, we get but one life.

We are blessed for sure!

With love and dedication anything is possible!