Not Out of the Woods Yet

So where I last left off wasn’t easy and it hasn’t been easy getting back to “Normal” either. The last few years have been difficult for our family. From my fathers initial diagnosis, to details of abuse towards my son, however for legal reasons, I have been unable to tell you it all.

Having said that, I do want you to know that we have been struggling to get back to a place that seems familiar to us. In the midst of the pandemic, I lost my father to cancer. That was devastating and I personally am just trying to dig myself out of the grief I have been feeling. I became disconnected from friends and family because everything, every memory, every thought of him not being here brakes me. I am trying to find my way out of the pain from his loss, so forgive me for not keeping up with my posts. 

Prior to my fathers death, I had been dealing with a case of abuse against my son, Ethan. I will share more details about what occurred once that situation has been resolved.

What I can tell you is that after the assault, it took forever to get close to justice for my son. And it took a year to find reasonable help after being rejected by one counseling place because his trauma response was to aggressive and his Autism made it hard for the therapist to help him. The pandemic hit, and there was no help to be found. So desperate to help him, we started Behavior therapy virtually with a BCBA to try and get him back to a place where he felt safe with us and could get his behavior under control. He would go into fits of rage any time we tried to tell him to do something, approached him in a way he felt threatened when all I might have been doing was going to help brush his teeth, hug or kiss him. He had nightmares and needed me by his side endlessly. I spent a school year at his school volunteering just so he could feel safe. There was no way I could work while my son needed me. He was scared and angry all of the time. 

He feels safe with us now but he still flinches when we approach him to quickly or we raise our voices to loud. His feeling safer is thanks to his BCBA who focused more on Cognitive Behavior with him rather then your typical old ABA which used demands, blocking and restriction which only escalated his feeling or response from him trauma. Before we started with the BCBA, Ethan had been in our bed for nearly a year. With a plan in place, we slowly and gradually got him back to his room. He had gone back to bed wetting with nightmares and that is something we still struggle with. He screams at night for his father because he is too scared to leave his room to go to the bathroom some nights. Wetting the floor at the threshold of his door. My fearless child became scared of everything. Still today, I see him scared of so many things it makes me sad for him. He feels unlucky. This isn’t the first time people that were supposed to care for him hurt him. He thinks pain or death is just around the corner. The pandemic and dads death didn’t help but it did give me time to focus on his wellbeing.

So the therapy has helped him get to a place where he can now sit and have conversations with us. We finally felt like he was at a place where we could get him the trauma therapy he needed after 2 years. But we are not out of the woods yet. Now we are having difficulty finding a therapist that could help him with the focus being what happened to him. There are almost no therapist in the county or state, that are willing to deal with this sort of incident and have the knowledge on how to deal with an Autistic child his age. It frustrates me that we have worked so hard but still we find it hard to get him the exact help he needs. 

It’s horrible when you know what your child needs and you aren’t able to provide it for them. Mental health is equally as important to children, as seeing a dentist or pediatrician but isn’t as readily available where we live. It’s frustrating and disappointing. My every focus is on how we can help him as a family. 

We will not stop helping him even if I have to travel to another state to get him the help he needs. I promised my father that I would always fight for Ethan and do what’s right. This is me doing that.

We are blessed for sure!

With love and dedication anything is possible!

Finding Something to be Thankful For

Thanksgiving is meant to be a day that friends and family gather to celebrate the kick off to the holidays. Where you stuff your face with foods you don’t typically have all year and sit on the couch joking and telling stories or pass out watching a game.  I just couldn’t get into it this year. 

Instead of us all getting together, we spent it apart. Each doing our own individual thing to cope. Dad probably wouldn’t have wanted it to be that way, but dad didn’t realize how hard it would be for us, the living who remain without him. I did my best for the kids, sat watched the Thanksgiving Parade and cooked a meal for them all to make it seems festive but I did not feel festive. We still mourn. 

My kids know it isn’t the same. That this our first holiday without him would be hard.  I didn’t want to gather like as if nothing happened. I didn’t want to pretend my smile or laugh when I didn’t feel it. Losing our father was not easy. We watched him go from strong to nearly dying and suddenly doing well again. We had hope that we could buy another year.  Then COVID hit. Then he got worse again. I watched the strongest man I knew whither away, weakened by his cancer. After a two year battle, he was ready to go but we, I was not ready to let go. Can’t say I am now either. 

Yet, I am grateful to the Doctors and nurses that took care of him giving us those extra two years. I am appreciative to the Pastor that helped him find peace with himself and reconnect with his faith. That I know he left this world to the next knowing that I loved him. I looked at the chair where he would have sat, and I am put at ease knowing that he is no longer suffering though his lack of presence pains me. I am thankful that I was able to see him take his last breath and that he didn’t do so alone or in a hospital, like so many have this past year. He was surrounded by family. I am mindful that his life had value to us all and with out him we grieve because he mattered so much. 

Somehow, each day my mother finds the strength to get up each morning and start another day without him. That gives me strength. My dad built us strong and I do not see my grief as weakness though it weakens me. It is what one does when someone they love passes on. I never  use to cry, but now I cry all the time. I am a waterfall of sadness. 

So I am sorry to those I didn’t call or text today.  I’m just trying to keep one foot in front of the other, letting autopilot takeover and pray that I keep doing so. I hope that you had a great Thanksgiving, surrounded by people that matter. That they opened their hearts to you so you may do the same. 

My last conversation with my dad was ended with “Todo tiene su fin (everything has an end).” With that in mind, be grateful for the life you have and the people in it. Tell them often that you love them and that you are thankful for them because everything has it’s end and you will never know when that last I love you will be. 

We are blessed for sure!

With love and dedication anything is possible!