Finding Something to be Thankful For

Thanksgiving is meant to be a day that friends and family gather to celebrate the kick off to the holidays. Where you stuff your face with foods you don’t typically have all year and sit on the couch joking and telling stories or pass out watching a game.  I just couldn’t get into it this year. 

Instead of us all getting together, we spent it apart. Each doing our own individual thing to cope. Dad probably wouldn’t have wanted it to be that way, but dad didn’t realize how hard it would be for us, the living who remain without him. I did my best for the kids, sat watched the Thanksgiving Parade and cooked a meal for them all to make it seems festive but I did not feel festive. We still mourn. 

My kids know it isn’t the same. That this our first holiday without him would be hard.  I didn’t want to gather like as if nothing happened. I didn’t want to pretend my smile or laugh when I didn’t feel it. Losing our father was not easy. We watched him go from strong to nearly dying and suddenly doing well again. We had hope that we could buy another year.  Then COVID hit. Then he got worse again. I watched the strongest man I knew whither away, weakened by his cancer. After a two year battle, he was ready to go but we, I was not ready to let go. Can’t say I am now either. 

Yet, I am grateful to the Doctors and nurses that took care of him giving us those extra two years. I am appreciative to the Pastor that helped him find peace with himself and reconnect with his faith. That I know he left this world to the next knowing that I loved him. I looked at the chair where he would have sat, and I am put at ease knowing that he is no longer suffering though his lack of presence pains me. I am thankful that I was able to see him take his last breath and that he didn’t do so alone or in a hospital, like so many have this past year. He was surrounded by family. I am mindful that his life had value to us all and with out him we grieve because he mattered so much. 

Somehow, each day my mother finds the strength to get up each morning and start another day without him. That gives me strength. My dad built us strong and I do not see my grief as weakness though it weakens me. It is what one does when someone they love passes on. I never  use to cry, but now I cry all the time. I am a waterfall of sadness. 

So I am sorry to those I didn’t call or text today.  I’m just trying to keep one foot in front of the other, letting autopilot takeover and pray that I keep doing so. I hope that you had a great Thanksgiving, surrounded by people that matter. That they opened their hearts to you so you may do the same. 

My last conversation with my dad was ended with “Todo tiene su fin (everything has an end).” With that in mind, be grateful for the life you have and the people in it. Tell them often that you love them and that you are thankful for them because everything has it’s end and you will never know when that last I love you will be. 

We are blessed for sure!

With love and dedication anything is possible!