Lasting Effects

Four years ago, my son suffered a trauma. Overnight he went from being a cuddle bug to a distant and rage full child. He trusted no one, not even I to brush his own teeth. Just approaching him had to be done with thought and care. We have fought so hard to get him to a place where he feels safe and protected. Yet, he still flinches if you approach too quickly, hold him in a way that triggers him, don’t hear him out or raise your voice too loudly.

I have learned that children who suffer trauma at very young age, their parents are told that they will somehow forget it and be fine. I was told this by doctors, therapists and people whose thinking was "Well, it could have been worse." I know this is not true. The memories of what happened to my son, though they are a bit fuzzier now in his head he still remembers, he will still say or ask something from time to time. He may not recall every action taken his body does. It continues to tell him to be scared and distrust even when WE think he may not have a reason. It will tell him to fight because he was triggered somehow. He can't tell you why, he just knows that it happened. He hates that he responds this way. He can't explain his "irrational" response because it's stems from trauma. The trauma he received was an irrational act carried out on him. There is no rationalizing it. He didn't ask to be beaten or to live with the effects from it for the rest of his days but here we are, 4 years later. He still flinches, cries and fights when things don't go as planned, he needs things just so and is constantly seeking hugs and reassurance. Spirals out of control and only returns once he releases the anger in him. It's painful to see him get this way. To hear him screaming, fighting and crying because he just needs to feel a sense of control, to have his voice heard. It brakes me to hear the same words come out that he shouted at the man that hurt him, only directed towards me or my husband for just being parents who have to correct and guide him.

We are human and we know we bring our own baggage to the table too. So we have worked hard. I even harder to ensure his success in overcoming so much that was placed on him. I do the hard work, I take the classes, I see the therapist, I read the books, go to the trainings, fight the battles that need to be fought and argue against anyone who does not try to help him. He needs to be supported, not judged or dismissed as a lost cause.

In the meantime…we tell him he his brave, that he shows courage every day by taking on new challenges and for learning to trust even a little bit each day. We remain always watchful. 

We are blessed for sure!

With love and dedication anything is possible!

Raising an Empowered Daughter Benefits Us All

NOTE THIS WAS WRITTEN AWHILE AGO BUT NEVER POSTED CORRECTLY

With the state of the world being what it is, I wanted to focus on how I am attempting to raise my kids, specifically my daughter. She is a powerhouse and I really want to keep that part of her personality strong. We taught her a mantra at a very early age, “I can do anything and I can do it better.” We never want her to think that because she is a female that she is limited. 

This year for 100 years of school the kids all were dressing up as old people. We went with a different angle. She chose to wear a “Suffragette” costume. I taught her all about woman’s plight to have the right to vote, to be treated equal and the continued fight for equal pay and equal treatment. 

She loved the costume but what she loved more was that she was making a statement. Something she is all to familiar with. The year before this, she went as “Rosie the Riveter” showing that women could do “men’s” work and do it better. We are all for raising and empowered daughter but the added benefit is that in teaching her, our sons are learning the importance of a fair equality. Some could say that this will have a negative impact on my boys, making them “less of a man” or that I am raising “Lady Men” Or that I am raising my daughter to be a “Man hater” but I absolutely disagree.

Raising boys to respect women and acknowledging their struggles doesn’t mean that I am taking away from them as weakening them. The opposite really. I am empowering them to stand for injustices that affect both sexes. I am asking to stand for anyone that is oppressed or mistreated in anyway. They aren’t being raised with the idea that they being men gives them an edge that is better just for being male. They can recognize it and address it. 

Teaching your child to be humanitarians is never a bad thing. Teaching them to be advocates for others, and themselves selves is an empowering thing. One that I certainly would like to see more children aware of these days. The world can only get better if we teach our children to be who they are meant to be, to encourage their strengths while also teaching them that they can stand up for any injustices they see either against them or those around them. 

I encourage you to teach your kids male and female, about the importance of standing up for themselves and others. I am from New York, and after 9/11 there were poster’s everywhere that said “See something, Say Something.”  To protect the public from any dangers that may lurk in the city. Granted, it came from tragedy but doesn’t most change come from something severe or life changing. I want my kids to follow that way of thinking. We are advocates not just for ourselves but for others and the world we reside in as well.

Teach your daughters to be strong. To know their history as women and teach your sons to stand strong in support of that because after all, they too will have to deal with women in this world. Empathy and strength go a long way for we humans to build a better place in this world. Let’s empower our girls but let’s not forget the gift we give our sons in doing so. It benefits us all.